She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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