Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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