Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
