I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
