And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
