: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
