I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
