You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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