things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
