i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
