You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
