Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
