either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
