Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
