I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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