i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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