Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
