If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
