You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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