Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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