I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
