I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize