Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
