i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
