i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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