At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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