I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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