She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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