theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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