dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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