my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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