You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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