You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
