you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
