She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
