I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
