mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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