Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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