Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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