The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
