I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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