probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
