if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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