was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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