when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
