i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
