I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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