When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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