I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
