I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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