I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
