No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
