tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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