youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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