The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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