I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
did i walk over a car last night?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
